Bon-Dresses of the Vanities

ACT 1, SCENE 1

INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN - MORNING 

Sometime in January 2016, an ABOVE AVERAGE INFANT coos adorably in a baby swing while her BELOW AVERAGE SEWER OF A MOTHER sips coffee, looking bedraggled. Her handsome HUSBAND is looking up directions on his phone. 

HUSBAND

If we're going to make it to my cousin's wedding in Connecticut, we should leave here in about 4 hours. 

WIFE

Imma let you finish but I must fashion a garment from scratch before we leave.

HUSBAND

You have many fine dresses in our closet. Why do you not wear one of them?

WIFE

Because I hate everything I own and feel ugly. And it's very important that I look amazing at this wedding because surely I am at the center of the universe. A new dress sewn by a below average seamstress will outshine anything produced in a factory by people who have literally perfected garment creation.

HUSBAND

You're going to make a new dress in the next 3 hours? Because you still have to shower, and help me ready our child for an overnight trip...

WIFE

Have I ever given you reason to doubt me?

HUSBAND

. . .

WIFE

Don't answer that.

ACT 1, SCENE 2

INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN - MID-MORNING

1 HOUR LATER.

Pattern pieces and cut fabric litter the kitchen. It looks like a deranged monster filled a piñata with pins, scraps of fabric, and crinkled paper directions and then bashed it in repeatedly as one does with a piñata.

The WIFE is bent over a sewing machine, industriously piecing her pattern together. Her HUSBAND, fresh from the shower and holding THE MOST ADORABLE INFANT, passes behind her.

HUSBAND

How is it going, wife of my heart?

WIFE

Great! I'll totally have this done in like half an hour! Piece of cake! Easiest pattern ever and surely it will fit like a dream unlike any pattern I have ever created before!

HUSBAND

You DO know how time works?

WIFE

Time? Of course I know how time works! Psh. Do I know how time works? This guy...I invented time! I perfected time!

HUSBAND

If you say so. I will take care of all of the things you are neglecting in this fruitless pursuit you have engaged in.

WIFE

What? Yeah, whatever. I AM IN THE ZONE!

ACT 1, SCENE 3

INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN - NOON

2 HOURS LATER

The WIFE is crouched on the floor in her nightgown, holding her knees and rocking back and forth. Inexplicably, she is smeared in mud. She could easily be confused for a feral child. 

The DRESS she has been working on is mostly complete on the dress form, but lacks a zipper.

WIFE

I followed the directions...well, I sort of followed the directions. Why do bad things happen to good people? How am I not myself? If a wedding guest spends all morning sewing a dress but doesn't wear it to the wedding, does the dress exist? Can I just pin it in the back? I'll wear a cardigan... nobody will notice...

The HUSBAND, dressed handsomely for an evening wedding, returns from loading the car, their INSANELY PRECIOUS CHILD strapped to his chest.

HUSBAND

I feel like I knew this was going to happen.

WIFE

(Snarls.)

ACT 2, SCENE 1

INT. SUBARU FORESTER - EVENING

The WIFE is, needless to say, not wearing the dress she worked on all day. She is applying mascara while trying to give her LONG-SUFFERING HUSBAND directions from her phone.

WIFE

So stressed! I hate being late to things. Why does Hartford have so many one way streets?!?

HUSBAND

ACT 3, SCENE 1

18 MONTHS LATER

INT. A DIFFERENT SUBURBAN HOME

WIFE unpacks a bin with half-finished sewing projects.

WIFE

Oh right, this dress. I should finish this dress.

WIFE calls through the door to her HUSBAND.

WIFE

Hey you!

HUSBAND

You bellowed?

WIFE

Remember this dress? I should finish this dress, shouldn't I?

HUSBAND

(Breaks the fourth wall, directly addressing the audience.)

I am a good person and I don't deserve this.

Front view of The Dress

Back view: note the absence of a zipper.

Side view.

Sing to the tune of "Someday My Prince Will Come": One day, my zipper will come....